Brianna: Version 2.0

Here I am. 

It's September 2012, I'm 28, and I'm single. Yes, again.

All I keep asking myself is "Who am I?" and "What am I doing??" I always thought I knew (at least who I was) but more and more, I don't. Now, in the end of my 28th year, I feel I'm in the throws of an evolution. This is my time. This is my chance. I have the time and the chance to ask myself questions, evaluate, ponder, and evolve. 

(Apologies in advance for the rambling that is about to occur in the remainder of this post)

I always feel like I have so much to say, yet at the same time, I have no idea what to say. What a contradiction. I've done a lot of talking, a lot of endless talking. Always full of second guessing and excuses. Never full of solutions or ideas on how to move forward. 

Stagnant: Showing no activity; dull and sluggish.

This defines my life. Not my life right now; my entire life. 

Let me stop for a second to at least express my gratitude for some things because I'm aware that in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. 

• Family: I have the most wonderfully supportive family. Anything I chose to pursue, any decision I made; even if they disagreed with it, they just want me safe and happy. You can't really ask for more than that. I love them. 
• Friends: My amazing, amazing friends. I have a small set of special people in my life and I'm so thankful for them. Especially in the last few months. 
• Employment: I have a job which affords me the ability to afford a life and a roof over my head. That makes me blessed. 
• Health: Outside of a few pesky pounds I could lose, I'm healthy. And thankful for that fact. 

Now, back to regularly scheduled programming...

I no longer want to accept stagnancy. I deserve more than that. We only get one life; spending it unfulfilled would be a shame. And a damn travesty. 

I'm not entirely sure of the exact steps to take in order to "find myself" or stop being stagnant but making some sort of plan or agenda is the first step. Thus, I've created a list of things to try in life (some I've done before but would like to revisit them; however, most of them are things I haven't done). So far, the list is short but I expect the list to be ever evolving; I expect to add to the list as opportunities or ideas arise. None of the things on the list so far are mind blowing or crazy but they are still things that I have an interest in. My hope would be that those things teach me something about myself or even possibly lead me in the direction of a new hobby. I need some hobbies. I want to be able to contribute ideas, experiences, and feelings to my friends, my family, and any future relationship I'm in.  

Some of the items on the list (so far):

Shoot a gun

Paint a picture

Go to a casino

Go kayaking

Tailgate at a sporting event

Train for a 5K

As I write this, I have decided to add another item to the list: Keep a blog/journal. 

Any time I've told myself I was going to start journaling, I write one or two times and stop. It's certainly partially out of laziness but additionally, I often feel I have nothing to say. Or anything worthwhile to say. Maybe that's what I tell myself as a cover for not really wanting to think about reality and deal with it. Dealing is hard and I don't really like to do things that are difficult or uncomfortable.

I wrote this because I was inspired by my friend Erica. She didn't even necessarily suggest that I write. She inspires by example. She keeps a livejournal where she often pours her heart out. She presents herself in such a vulnerable, real way. And she lets people read it. She questions why she puts her life out there for people to read...

My answer to that is that she's being real and sharing it is probably cathartic in some way. She impresses me.

I've also been heavily influenced and inspired by my friend Leah. She's always wants the best for me and also wants me to be the best I can be. She helped me decide to start keeping a list of experiences to try so I can gain new perspectives and learn more about myself. I love her and I'm so appreciative of her friendship. 

So after all that rambling, I think I shall bid you adieu, at least temporarily. I insist of myself that I continue writing. I don't want to forget what I'm thinking, feeling, considering, questioning, and learning. Thanks for sticking it out through this rambled mess of a blog. 

I'll leave you with a quote that I love...

"You are only confined by the walls you build yourself"